We hearing a lot of complaints ’bout the feral hog problem lately. Folks’ cabbage patches being torn up, garbage cans knocked over, poodles assaulted. It’s often hard to determine fact from fiction when it comes to feral hogs. But regardless, there’s a bunch of people losing their minds over these damn things. Now we always been people of sober reflection. Where others despair, we see opportunity; you know that whole glass half full thing. Most is completely bewildered by the population explosion of these feral hogs, caught with their pants down, but we seen it coming a long ways off. Them same folks pulling their hair out is the same ones who chose to ignore our warnings, instead they was hunkering down in their trailers watching Lower Creauteaux’s own little Clarice Pitre melt the judges hearts on American Idol. Lotta good that done, now Clarice is working over at the Waffle House attempting to support two illegitimate younguns and living in a beat up trailer with Percy Lirette, who is mainly remembered for his being tossed onto a dirty mattress at Mike Onlces bar when dwarf tossing was all the fashion. Now he’s pushing two hundred pounds and his aeronautical feats are but a dim memory.
Mount Everest is overrated
Regarding these hogs, we ain’t tossing in the towel, far from it. We coming up with solutions. A hog is one of the smartest animals on four legs, a sheep it ain’t. They eat just about anything and are scared of nothing. It’s interesting, folks fly around the world to the Himalain mountains to climb Mount Everest; half of ’em that go up there never come down. But despite that, they spend millions of dollars to go and just say they done it. Well I’m here to tell ya, you ain’t gotta fly to Nepal to get killed. Who wants to die freezing to death on the side of some mountain anyway? We got an alternative. We offering our own little slice of ecotourism down here in the bayou. You don’t need no sherpa, no oxygen and no pick axe. Some thick soled shoes, a good hat to keep the sun off your head, and an ice chest of Pabst Blue Ribbons will suit you fine. And most importantly, a real sharp knife. Now what we offering ain’t nothing new, been going on quite a while ’round here. In fact a certain fella who went by the name of Sir Edmund Hillary swore it was the toughest thing he ever done. Before catfish noodling went viral, what put Lower Creauteaux on the map was the genteel sport of “hog neuterin’.” Now you might be wondering why you never heard of it, probably because you were like the rest ’em, too busy watching Clarice Pitre on American Idol instead of tuning into ESPN channel 139 on demand at 1:00 AM Central Time on Nov. 18th last year to watch the rebroadcast of the regional tri parish hog neutering quarter finals. But the dozen folks who were lucky enough to see that, rest assured, their lives are forever altered. But despair not, there is hope my friends ’cause we’re right on the cusp of another banner season and this time we gettin’ the word out!
Gettin’ Ready to Rumble
Why run with a bunch of bulls in Spain, when you can run with some downright mean feral hogs, right here in Lower Creauteaux. Plus we gonna let you run with a knife! Now, don’t be showing up packing some dull blade you got out your kitchen drawer. You best be arriving with an officially sanctioned “neutering knife.” And by “officially sanctioned” we mean it got to pass muster with the governing bodies. This year, Clovis Fontenot who drives the parish mosquito truck is gonna be the “governing body.” Just bring your knife and five dollars over to Clovis who will be sitting on a bench outside the Feed and Seed for the sanctioning. If you want the process to go smoothly, consider offering Clovis one of them Pabst Blue Ribbons out your Playmate, that’ll cut down on much of the bureaucratic red tape, if you know what I mean. After you done with Clovis, cross the street to Vishram Patel’s Chevron and hook up with Aunt Edna.
Afrodisiacs and Dog Whisperers
Lower Creauteaux’s own grande dame, Aunt Edna, will be ladling out generous portions of her famous turtle soup. Aunt Edna got two kinds, the “regular” and the “special.” Highly suggest you stick with the regular and eschew the special, unless you plan on gettin’ amorous with the hogs. The special is normally the one everybody’s jonesin’ for cause it’s the one with the “Afrodisiac,” as Aunt Edna calls it. The one she sells out of her mobile fertility clinic you probably seen at the flea market in Thibodauxville. You can’t miss it, a 1983 white Ford Econoline van with the words Fertility Clinic painted on the side and a little baby crawlin’ underneath and two pitbulls following behind. Our nephew Clifton painted that by the way. By good fortune, he picked up that paintin’ bug over in Hunt Correctional where he served ten years for manslaughter. The boy got a way with a paint brush, not to mention a way with dogs. Just the fact he got them two pitbulls, Vicodan and Whiskey to sit there in the middle of that feed lot and pose with that baby while he painted the side of that van,…only a true artist could do that. And the boy ain’t no one trick pony either. Clifton Boudreaux, AKA “the Dog Whisperer” is the fiercest MMA fighter this side of Vacherie! Just last week he beat the hell outta some punk from Thibodauxville in a ten round cage match. Had him submitting by round three. Needless to say, we damn proud of the boy.
The Sport of Kings
But gettin’ back to these feral hogs. The way it works is all the contestants first line up in the parking lot of the Dollar General. Roland Falgoust gonna lead everybody in the pledge of allegiance and then Aunt Edna will come out and say a short prayer. Immediately after that Clovis will stumble across the street from the Feed and Seed and fire his pistol in the air. Simultaneously at the other end of town our niece Precious will open the gate to the temporary pen holding the two hundred feral boars who been feeding on Aunt Edna’s “special” turtle soup for a couple of weeks. That’s when all hell will break loose. Them hogs got one thing on their mind, that big sow that been sitting in a cage about ten feet from that temporary hog pen where they all been holed up. The same sow that’s now tied up in the back of Wilton Simoneaux’s dually Ram truck making it’s way down Main Street at idle speed, slowly rolling the four blocks to that Dollar General. A feral boar in rut, makes a low guttural grunt alternating with an ear splitting squeal. Two hundred feral boars in rut running down the street chasing a truck holding a sow in heat, now that’s something to witness, preferably from a second story balcony while wearing some serious hearing protection. Seeing it at ground level is something else entirely.
Rules for Success
The rules: Only two rules, no backing up and it gotta be a clean neuter, no gratuitous slashing. The last thing we want is a bunch of animal rights folks coming down here. The fella who neuters the most feral hogs wins. That’s it. Other tips, suggest you have a will and don’t take no aspirin prior to the event; you want your blood to coagulate good. The winner will get an all expense paid trip to Thibodauxville and will be put up in the Turner Motel for two nights (or three days) and given five dollars in quarters for the vibratin’ bed and a coupon out the Trading Cajun for a footlong sandwich from Subway. Also he is guaranteed a spot on the All Star Team that begins in April. That’s it folks. Ya’ll come down. God Bless and good luck!
Nonc.